Flex Fox Fantasy

Welcome back everyone, to the bi-weekly power rankings. As they say “the best things in life really are free” and that’s exactly what this is, free content, so consume it like a starving orphaned child who has just been adopted into America and given their first piece of beef jerky, consume these rankings hungrily and greedily, because let’s face it, I have a monopoly on league content, and no one can stop me. So on with the god-damn show.

Playoff Tier

1. The Mad King (No Change)
   I was all ready to come on here and crap all over Ryan’s pedestrian point total (he ranks third in points for an has had the lowest point total dropped against him this season) and preach that his grip on the number one slot is slipping. Alas, he’s dropped 150 points on me by Wednesday of this week, turns out facing me was all he needed to get back on track.

2. Club Europo de Flex (No Change)
   Flex also is 2-0, coming off an impressive showdown with the Squirtle Squad in week 2. Flex ranks fifth in point scored (albeit a distant fifth) but his matchups have been close (he ranks sixth highest in points scored against him). They don’t ask how; they just ask what the record is. Flex was my darkhorse pick to win challenge Ryan, but the dark is coming off this horse really quick.

3. Chateau du Fey (+6)

   Alright look, I like most people only deal in facts and truths, and factually and truthfully, I can be wrong sometimes (I was shocked to learn this fact too). Chow is off to an impressive 2-0 start coming off a win against Midland Raccons where he dropped 300 points exactly, nice. I’m buying whatever Chow’s theme is and while I’m worried about the recent injury to Albies, I think Chow is for real early on.

4. Bash Brothers (-1)
   RKR might be 1-1, and sure he put up 187-point week last week which caused him to lose to Ben, but I’m not willing to drop him too far yet. I need more evidence that his team is overrated to move him from this middle tier. The bats are not performing as good as he likely hoped, but to quote some illiterate moron, “it’s early”.

5. Kaos Reigns Over House Cruz (+1)
   2-0 start with solid mid 200’s point totals? I’ll take that. Of course, at this rate my entire team will be hurt by June, so it wont really matter. Please stop straining obliques you fucks. 

6. Director of the FFFBA (-1)
   Like RKR, Aidan is also 1-1 with one impressive victory coming last week with 270 points scored and one flaccid week (a 143-point showing against the Man). Like RKR, I’ll give Aidan the benefit of the doubt for now until I see more, but his leash in this tier is definitely shorter than RKR’s.

7. Squirtle Squad (No Change)
   Losing a one-point heartbreaker to Flex isn’t something I really hold against the Squad. The first matchup point total wasn’t great, but it got the job done. So far, they’ve been exactly what I have them as, a fringy playoff team that is putting up around 210 points on average over the first two matchups. That may not be enough to keep them here, but for now I’ll continue to ride the variance wave. 

8. The Starboys (+6)

   Ben is off to an impressive 2-0 start, but like most women in his life, his point total is exposing him as the true fraud that he is. Ben’s middle of  the pack in points scored, and while he has won both matchups, I don’t have Lim or Flaccid RKR in my “world beaters” collection. Ben can hold this spot for now but I don’t have confidence he will be here come season’s end, at least not yet.

Europa Tier

9. A Measure of Force (No Change)
   Newton’s team gives me hives, its old, cranky, stanky, and wrinkled and doesn’t belong anywhere outside of an old age home, but here we are. Newton’s team is hotter and colder than Katy Perry’s mid 2000s hit single. 237 points in a loss is proof Newton is pulling the typical “I’m the bar trick” but this gets old after a while and can only take you so far.

10. The Juson Alliance (+10)
    Our biggest mover of the week, Jemil is the talk of the town after starting 2-0 with wins over Tyler and Ian. Jemil is also 2nd (yeah you read that right) in points scored and 9th in points against). Jemil could easily be higher on this list, except for the fact that I’m not sure I’m buying tickets to this dog and pony show. The era of Polly Pockets is over and I have a strong suspicion this is just a hot start, but whatever Jemil said to his boys in the fantasy locker room, I want a copy of that speech. 

11. The Man (+1)
    Trading Lindor for a bag of balls gave me distinct Grienke for Shipley vibes. Wondering if Nick hired Payne under an alias to manage his team. The Man’s week one win over Aidan scoring 245 points was impressive, but the shine quickly wore off in Week 3 with a 164-point losing effort to Ian. There-in lies the rub with teams in this tier, you don’t know what you’re going to get on a weekly basis. 

12. Big Beefy Baseball Boys (-5)
    Maybe I’m being overly harsh here, but I had high expectations for Graeme, who frankly looks the exact same as last year, bouncing around between playoffs and the top of Europa. I’m sure he will follow that trend in the power rankings as well. I really think he needs a trade to shake things up.

13. 4th Quarter Jimmy Butler (-3)
    Like Jimmy Butler and most middle-aged dads Tillo’s team, specifically his offence, has been absent when it really matters. The 1-1 start is fine, I guess and its hard to draw a ton from two weeks of matchups but its not looking good (Tillo is 19th in points scored, and 2nd in points scored against him) meaning he likely has some serious negative regression coming.

14. The Stadelmonstars (+4)
    As it turns out, Vladdy, Semien, and Ohtani (literally that’s basically it) can drag an otherwise carcass of a team into your Europa, you read it here first. 

15. Tyler’s Bomb Squad (-4)
    I’m still not convinced Tyler isn’t Ash, although pulling off a trade does put a damper on that theory. Tyler sure is doing Ash proud though by going checks notes 0-2. Listen if we wanted ChatGPT to manage this team we could have just inputted the command.

16. The Illuminati (+1)

    Trust me when I say that this ranking is not an indication of anything other than how bad the teams below Mike are. Congrats on turning McKenzie into Lindor into Nola. I truly salute you for that and raise you one spot as a result.

Vase Tier

17. Stubby Clapp Clappers (-3)

    Well, I guess it’s official, Cam is the fantasy man of the house. Over-Under 2 weekly conversations about how flaccid his dad’s team and other genital really is?

18. Team 69 (-3)

    I was also wrong about this team, its probably not any good, but hey, its early and maybe bottom tier Europa fodder is in the cards. That was so depressing to write.

19. Midland Raccoons (No Change)

    Stroman doing Stroman things, one has to wonder if just rage dropping Stroman would make this team better.

20. Addicted Gooner (-4)

    LOL, #Chrisforonlyownerremovedmidseason